Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
