apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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