take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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