she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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