so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
