Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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