Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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