i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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