Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
