So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't deserve a penis
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
