Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
