you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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