im about as happy as oj after his trial
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
