i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
