i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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