Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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