The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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