wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
