you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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