The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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