Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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