Will you blow on my dice?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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