i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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