I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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