she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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