I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize