Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize