she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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