Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
