never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
