Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
