I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
