my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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