he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
