Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
