Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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