I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm getting married
To pizza
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
