After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
