My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
