I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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