it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
