my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize