My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
