apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I enjoy the company of your penis
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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