I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I touched a dick in church today
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
