Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize