How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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