Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize