You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
