I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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