shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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