i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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