I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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