my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How does it feel to date your dad?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
