i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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