i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize