Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
