There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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