i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
