you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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