if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
